This dress was meant to end up on your floor
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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