my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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