the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
