Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
