Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
