Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
