Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
