woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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