so let's talk penis.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
