oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
