what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
