When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
