I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
