apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
