Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize