My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
