Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
