please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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