i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
