Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
