I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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