I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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