i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
