Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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