I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.