I just saw a hot homeless man
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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