last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
