Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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