I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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