Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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