Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
