So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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