I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
