So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
