how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
