Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
