one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
