i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
