I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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