i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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