omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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