sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
