The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
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