i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
