I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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