You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
