he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
