the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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