Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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