'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
