someone threw a dead crab at me
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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