just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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