i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
