I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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