did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
