Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
